Why Should I Have Children?
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My tradition would see a commitment to procreation rather than celibacy as the ultimate religious act. In numerous ways, when we have a baby we become closer to God. The process of creating a life makes us partners with God; it also teaches us humility and unselfishness. Parenthood is an act of hope and faith in the future. Having and raising children, the most difficult and the most gratifying choice most people make, is a religious vocation.
Our role on earth is to be partners with God in perfecting this world. In no area is that partnership more pronounced than at the birth of a child. A wise rabbi once taught that there are three partners in the creation of every human being, the father, the mother, and God. A man and a woman have a moment of sexual pleasure, a sperm and an egg find each other, and nine months later a brand new human being appears. Most people find this to be a profound religious moment. There is a popular saying that there are no atheists in a fox hole - I believe that there are no atheists in a delivery room.
If our role on earth is to imitate God, at no time is that more true than when we give birth to a child. Having children is not simply a religious, but a humbling experience. Only when we have a child can we truly understand how God must feel. Like God's creation of Adam and Eve, only with a child have we created a being over which we have no control. These children, so helpless in the beginning, will grow up and leave the nest; they will make decisions over which we have no power. We create them and let them go. They must forge their own destiny. Somehow, we manage to love them anyway, it spite of the choices they make. As the rabbis taught, "A parent's love is toward the child, a child's love is towards his or her child." In this sense, we are like God, who loves His children no matter how far they stray. "As a father has mercy on his children, so God has mercy on those that fear him." (Psalms 103:13)
Caring for a newborn baby is a totally unselfish act; we must care for the needs of someone who is totally helpless and cannot return the favor. And there is no guarantee that when that child grows up, he or she will show any appreciation for our effort. Parenthood, more than any other human experience, forces us to give fully to another with no guarantee of a return for our efforts. It makes us overcome the natural human inclination to think of "me first".
There is a law in Judaism that gives a profound insight into this. A rabbi could not sit on the Sanhedrin, the central lawmaking body during the second Temple period, until he had children. The Sanhedrin also had power of life and death in capital cases. The rabbis feared that a man who had never experienced fatherhood would lack the tenderness and mercy required of a judge in these cases. In fact, the Hebrew word for mercy rachamim comes from a word meaning womb rechem. One who experienced the rechem, whether a woman in her own body or a man through his wife, has learned rachamim in dealing with others. Obviously we are speaking in broad general terms; there are parents who are miserable selfish people and childless people who are loving and benevolent. Nonetheless, the act of having a child makes most people just a bit more selfless. Having a child is also a sign of hope and faith. The quote at the beginning of the chapter speaks of Miriam, the older sister of Moses. When Pharaoh decreed to throw all baby boys into the Nile, Moses' parents Amram and Yocheved separated and refused to risk having a baby. Miriam convinced them to come back together. For Pharaoh had decreed only against boys, her parents' decree was against boys and girls; Pharaoh had decreed only in this world, her parents decreed against the world to come. Amram and Yocheved came back together, baby Moses was born, and the history of the world changed.
A similar story in rabbinic literature spoke of King Hezekiah, one of the few virtuous kings of Judah. He was ill and the prophet Isaiah visited him with the less than comforting words, "...Set your affairs in order, for you are going to die; you will not get well." (2 Kings 20:1) Hezekiah asked Isaiah why so bad, and Isaiah replied that he did not have children. Hezekiah defended himself: "I saw through the holy spirit that the children issuing from me would not be virtuous." Isaiah's answer is relevant even today: "What have you to do with the secrets of the Almighty? You should have done what you were commanded, and let the Holy One, blessed be He, do what pleases Him." We should have children despite our concern about how those children will turn out; certain matters are left in the hands of God.
The most important religious reason of all for procreation is the Biblical vision of the chain of generations. Over and over in the Torah we read how so-and-so begot so-and-so, how each generation created the next. We are not meant to live alone, disconnected from the past and from the future. We are a link in the chain of humanity. That is why we must honor our parents, and that is why we must beget and raise children.
We have a task to accomplish that can only be completed over the course of generations. As the religious philosopher Reinhold Niebuhr wrote, "Nothing worth doing is completed in one lifetime, therefore, we must be saved by hope." Children are our hope for the future. There is a chain of humanity linking parent and child, stretching from Adam and Eve in the beginning to the Messianic age in the end. Each generation contributes its share towards the ultimate salvation of humanity.
This powerful concept is perhaps best illustrated by a wonderful rabbinic story: "One day [R. Yohanan] was walking down the road and saw an old man planting a carob tree. He asked him, `How long will it take this tree to bear fruit?' The man answered `Seventy years.' He asked, `Are you quite sure you will live another seventy years to eat its fruit?' The man answered, `I myself found fully grown carob trees in the world; as my forebears planted for me, so am I planting for my children.'"
Our ancestors planted trees for us, we plant trees for our children. Each generation has a share in the perfection of the world as a kingdom of God.
All of these teachings indicate the powerful religious reasons to have children. We received the Torah only on account of our children. Procreation makes us partners with God. It humbles us. It teaches us unselfish love. It s a statement of hope and faith. It makes us a link in the chain of generations.
Ultimately, we have children to make us better human beings. That is the reason why our shared religious traditions have a powerful pro-natalist policy.
© Rabbi Michael Gold
Credits: This answer is adapted from Rabbi Gold's book "God, Love, Sex, and Family."
