What Does My Wife/ My Husband Really Want?
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Dr. Deborah Tannen, in her brilliant little book You Just Don't Understand, has beautifully summarized the essential difference between men and women. These differences are based on primitive attributes of both sexes that allowed survival in the jungle. According to Tannen, women need connection and intimacy; men need status and recognition. To quote her description of a conversation she had with her own husband:
"Having done the research that led to this book, I now see that my husband was simply engaging the world in a way that many men do: as an individual in a hierarchical social order in which he was either one-up or one-down. In this world, conversations are negotiations in which people try to achieve and maintain the upper hand if they can, and protect themselves from the others' attempts to put them down and push them around. Life, then, is a contest, a struggle to preserve independence and avoid failure." Men, in other words, are still battling the contests of the jungle in trying to maintain their status with a woman.
Tannen continues her description: "I, on the other hand, was approaching the world as many women do: as an individual in a network of connections. In this world, conversations are negotiations for closeness in which people try to seek and give confirmation and support, and to reach consensus. They try to protect themselves from others' attempts to push them away. Life, then, is a community, a struggle to preserve intimacy and avoid isolation."
Women, in other words, are still trying to maintain the connections they needed in the jungle for the survival of themselves and their young. Men, as a general rule, have a need for status and recognition. Women, as a general rule, have a need for connection and intimacy. When each spouse appreciates these primal needs in the other, the couple can build a much stronger marriage. Giving one's self to meet these needs of the other is where love plays an essential role in the marital relationship. To define this in one succinct aphorism - wives need appreciation and husbands need admiration.
The medieval philosopher and rabbi Maimonides restated a Talmudic teaching in his monumental code of Jewish law: "The sages commanded that a man must honor his wife more than his own self and love her as himself. If he is wealthy, he should provide her with the best in accordance with his wealth. He should not cause her to fear him, but speak with her gently, not with sadness nor anger.
"Similarly, they commanded a woman to honor her husband exceedingly, be in awe of him, and obey his wishes. He should be in her eyes as a prince or king, following his wishes and avoiding what he hates. This is the way of the daughters of Israel and sons of Israel, who form holy and pure couples. In these ways will their dwellings be peaceful and praiseworthy."
© Rabbi Michael Gold
