What Do I Owe My Siblings?

Siblings are our most long-term family relationship. As children, we are sometimes playmates and companions, sometimes bitter rivals. As adults we may be close friends, or have lives that intersect at a few key family occasions. In old age, our siblings are often are only link to a distant past. The brother who may have been an adversary during childhood and a distant friend as we were raising our own families, can become a source of comfort in old age.

Siblings are our most volatile relationship. We love them and we hate them, we compete with them and we care for them, they are our most consistent rivals and our closest friends. When we become parents, we try to love our children equally, yet they constantly fight and vie for our attention. Even as adults, the issues of childhood sibling rivalry continue to affect our daily lives.

The Bible assumes that sibling rivalry is built into the universe. The first two brothers born, Cain and Abel, fought over God's acceptance of their respective offerings. Throughout the book of Genesis, each generation features brothers or sisters who competed, often bitterly, for mom and dad's attention. Ishmael was exiled from his parental home because he was a bad influence on his younger brother Isaac. The twins Jacob and Esau began fighting while still in their mother's womb. Rachel and Leah shared a husband, with the former receiving his love and the latter having his babies. Joseph's older brothers sold him into slavery because he was their father's favorite. Siblings, on the other hand, often become role models and mentors, particularly for younger siblings. Often they must be the protector, particularly when other children pick upon their siblings. Jewish tradition sees the older brother as taking over the role of a dead or absent father. In fact, the Talmud requires that just as we must honor our father, so we must honor an older brother who played a parental role in our upbringing. (Yoreh Deah 240:22)

The Torah (the five books of Moses) never commands us to love our siblings - or any other family member, for that matter. We are commanded to love our neighbor, to love the stranger, to love God. But family is too important an institution in the eyes of God to be subject to the vagaries of love. Love is a nebulous emotion that often waxes and wanes over time; our relationship with our siblings must be more permanent and stable. Therefore, the Torah expects us to be our brother's keeper.

After Cain slew his brother Abel, he buried his body in the ground. God approached Cain with the question, "Where is your brother Abel?" (Genesis 4:9) According to Rabbinic tradition, God certainly knew what happened to Abel; he wanted to give Cain a chance to confess his sin and repent. Instead, Cain callously answered with words that would echo through eternity "Am I my brother's keeper?" Only then does God exclaim, "Your brother's blood cries out to me from the ground." God punished Cain for his deed, forcing him to wander the earth the remainder of his life.

Cain's rhetorical question and God's harsh rebuke give a hint to what we owe our brother. We need not necessarily love him, but we must be his keeper. If our brother is in trouble we must extend our hand to him. The Torah explicitly teaches, "Thou shall not harden thy heart, nor shut thy hand to thy brother who is poor." (Deuteronomy 15:7) This religious requirement to be our brother's keeper is made explicit in a passage from the book of Proverbs. "A friend is devoted at all times, but a brother is born for adversity." (Proverbs 17:17) At first reading the passage is jarring, indicating that friends are better than brothers and that brothers only cause trouble. Nonetheless, a more careful reading of the passage offers a worthy insight to the obligation between siblings.

With the help of the Ralbag, one of the classical Biblical commentators, we can understand what the passage really means. A friend is there for good times. He or she may go out socially with us, party with us; we may enjoy each other's company. But when difficult times hit, a person turns to his or her brother or sister. Because they are flesh and bone, they have a mutual obligation to one another. Of course the dream of the Torah is that brothers will have a much stronger, warmer relationship. The Bible teaches "Here is what is good and what is pleasant, for brothers to dwell together." (Psalms 133:1)

Siblings may be dissimilar, with different interests, different friends, even different life styles. Siblings may not necessarily enjoy each other's company socially or be good friends. Rivalries leading back to childhood may separate them. But when one sibling is in trouble, the other is there to help them. When a brother needs protection, siblings must provide a shield for him. Or when a sister is in financial trouble, our charity obligation begins with her. Why Be His Keeper?

Why do we have any obligation to our siblings, just because we grew up in the same household? Afterall, we had no choice as to our brothers nor our sisters. There place in our life is simply a coincidence of birth. Perhaps they are not worthy of our honor. The answers lies in the fifth of the Ten Commandments: "Honor your father and mother." When we take care of our brother, we are literally honoring our parents. On the other hand, we quarrel with our brother, we are hurting our parents. This is best illustrated by the Biblical verse when Rebekah learns of the striving twins Jacob and Esau in her womb. "The boys strived in her womb and she [Rebekah] said, if it be so, why do I live." (Genesis 25:22)

This aspect of honoring parents is best illustrated with a classical Jewish story. A couple had two sons, one well off and one extremely poor. The couple wanted to have a big anniversary party and told their wealthier son to spare no expense in honoring them; they would reimburse him. The son threw a lavish party and came in elegant clothes; his poor brother came in rags. When the son went to his parents to be reimbursed, they said, "Sorry, we said to honor us. If you had truly intended our honor, you would not have allowed your brother to come dressed like a beggar."

By caring for our siblings, we also fulfill God's plan to perfect the world as a kingdom of God. Only by caring for our own family can we learn to care for the stranger. The man who turns his back on his own brother in time of need will not help the stranger. Charity begins with our own family and flows outward. The values we learn at home are those we carry into the world at large.