What Do I Owe My Elderly Parents?

The ambivalence a child feels towards an elderly, slightly senile parent is reflected in a Talmudic story. Rav Assi had a mother who drove him crazy; she wanted jewelry, she wanted a husband who looked like him. Exasperated, he fled to the land of Israel. He heard his mother was coming and tried to flee once again. Then, when he learned that it was his mother's casket, he cried, "if only I had known I would have never left her."

It is painful watching parents become childlike, particularly when chronic illness or senility sets in. The scripture itself shows its ambivalence about aging. On one hand old age is considered a time of great wisdom. The Bible teaches "Gray hair is a crown of glory" (Proverbs 16:31), and the Torah commands "You shall rise before the aged and show deference to the old." (Leviticus 19:32) According to a well known rabbinic midrash, Abraham actually requested old age to differentiate himself from his son Isaac. At the same time, we hear the plaintive cry "Do not cast me off in old age; when my strength fails, do not forsake me!" (Psalms 71:9) - this verse that is central to the Yom Kippur liturgy. The Talmud teaches that youth is a crown of roses and old age a crown of thorns. "Woe to that which goes out and never returns." Old age can be a time of physical and mental deterioration, of pain and loss, of fear and loneliness.

In old age the command to honor parents becomes particularly vital. The Talmud teaches that `honor' means the son must supply his father with food and drink, provide him with clothes and footwear, and assist his coming in and going out of the house." At a time of infirmity, the actual physical needs of the parent become the major concern. Children must insure that their parents are clothed, fed, sheltered, and cared for, even if it means incurring an ongoing expense. (Nonetheless, by Jewish law the parent has the primary responsibility to pay for his or her own care.)

Does the child have to provide the actual physical care himself or herself? There is a debate among Rabbinic sources on this issue. The great medieval legal scholar and philosopher Maimonides (the Rambam) taught that if one's parents become mentally disordered, he should treat them until God has pity on them and they die. Nonetheless, if he cannot endure the situation, he can find someone else to care for them. Rambam's critic, Rabbi Abraham Ibn Daud (the Ravad), sharply disagrees: "If he leaves, who will watch them?"

This medieval debate between the Rambam and the Ravad is played out in so many contemporary homes. Who will take care of mom and dad when they become old and ill? It is particularly painful when children are separated by vast distances from their parents. How does a man in New York make sure his parents are well in Florida; how does a woman raise a family and pursue a career in Chicago while her mother grows old in Arizona? And what if there are several siblings, but only one lives nearby? These are the dilemmas of our mobile society. It is one I have felt in my own life, living in Florida while arranging the care for a dying mother and an infirm father in California.

The answer is to speak once again in terms of ideals and reality. Ideally, just as mom cared for junior as a child, so junior will care for mom in her old age. If a child is willing to take on the actual physical care of an elderly parent, such a child is to be praised. That is why I recommended that the old lady mentioned at the beginning of the chapter move in with her children.

Nonetheless, Maimonides recognized how difficult it is for children to provide the actual physical care for their elderly and infirm parents. They may not have the time, the temperament, or the ability, or they may live too far away. In that case it is proper to arrange for someone else to care for them. Such care might be as simple as arranging for a nurse or housekeeper to come a few times a week, or as difficult as arranging for the parent to live in an assisted living facility or nursing home. Children need not feel guilty for arranging care for their parents. As painful as it is, it is permissible to say, "we can't care for mom ourselves anymore, maybe a home would be a better choice for us and for her." What is important is that children not ignore elderly parents. There is a wonderful story often tell to illustrate this point. A couple was trying to teach their young son good table manners. Unfortunately, an elderly grandfather lived with them; his hands shook and he often spilled his food. He dropped a good piece of china, breaking it all over the expensive carpeting. Exasperated, the parents decided that the old man was a poor example for their son; they made him wooden bowls and spoons and told him to eat in the kitchen while the rest of the family ate in the dining room. One day the little boy was playing with clay when the parents saw that he had made a bowl and spoon. "What are you making?" they asked. The boy answered proudly, "I am making wooden bowls and spoons for you, so that when you are old you can eat in the kitchen just like grandpa." The moral of the story is clear. Elderly parents can be not only loving and wise, but difficult, demanding, and judgmental. Children understandably want to leave home and get on with their lives without the burden of caring for them. Nonetheless, religion teaches that we have responsibility towards our parents. The hope is that by honoring and caring for our elderly parents, we will set an example for our children to follow when we become old. That is the fundamental duty passed on from generation to generation.

(This answer is adapted from Rabbi Gold's new book God, Love, Sex, and Family)

for California