What Do I Owe My Children As They Grow Up?
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There are four major duties involved in parenting a healthy child: nurturing, protecting, providing, and mentoring.
Every child needs nurturing. A little boy must feel that he belongs, that he is accepted, that his mother or father's arms are always there to hold and protect him. A little girl must know that she is loved unconditionally. Scientists have shown that babies who were never held nor hugged suffer from a syndrome called "failure to thrive." To be cared for and nurtured is as important for human growth as food and shelter.
Our own sense of self-esteem is directly related to how well our parents nurtured us. Developing self-esteem in children is one of a parent's most important task, one more important than developing book knowledge, artistic talents, or athletic skills in their child. The process begins when parents realize that their child is a unique human being, infinitely valuable, and created in the image of God. They never need to put down or mock a child. Even though parents can reprimand or even punish a child for misbehavior, they should convey the notion that the child's behavior, not the child, is bad.
The key to healthy self esteem is a parent's unconditional love and acceptance of a child. We can discipline a child for what he or she does wrong, but never for what he or she is. The mistake of our forefather Isaac was not simply playing favorites by choosing Esau over Jacob. It was loving Esau conditionally. "Isaac loved Esau because he brought him game to eat." (Genesis 25:28) What if Esau had become a vegetarian and stopped hunting for his father? Would he still love him? Each child is created in God's image, a special and unique human being, and each child deserves his or her parent's unconditional love.
The second major obligation of a parent is to protect a child. We must insure that our children feel safe and are safe in a dangerous and uncertain world. In fact, the rabbis taught that a man should teach his son to swim, because someday his life may depend on it. We would broaden this teaching to include all survival skills necessary to function in the contemporary world.
The Bible tells the story of the Akeda, where Abraham brought his son Isaac up onto Mt. Moriah and offered him as a sacrifice. In the end God stayed Abraham's hand, and told him to offer a ram instead. Traditional commentators have understood the story as an example of ultimate faith. Most moderns would probably see this story as the failure of a father to protect his son. Following this incident, there appears to be an estrangement between Abraham and Isaac.
One can contrast this story with the tale of the birth of Moses. His mother, Yocheved, hid him for three months. When she could protect him no longer, she placed him in a basket and sent him down the river. When Pharaoh's daughter found the baby, she became his wet nurse and nurturer. Yocheved was the ultimate protector under very painful circumstances.
A parent must also be a provider. Children need their physical needs cared for before we can speak of teaching them Torah or providing for them spiritually. They need food, clothing, shelter, a safe environment to play, medical care, education, all the basics of living. It ought to go without saying that providing for a child's physical needs is the primary responsibility of parents.
Unfortunately, too many parents, particularly fathers, have shirked this fundamental parental responsibility. We live in a culture where government must pass laws to crack down on deadbeat dads, where men and sometimes women must have their wages garnisheed to provide for their children. This fundamental moral obligation to care for our children has been lost as parents seek to evade their obligation.
Such a lack of moral responsibility is not new; the rabbis of the Talmud already dealt with it. R. Hisda used to stand outside the synagogue on a box and say, even the raven cares for his young, but so-and-so refuses to care for his children. The rabbis went through a long debate searching for a scriptural source for the fundamental responsibility of a father to provide for his children. In the end, they said it is part of the laws of tzedakah, often translated as "charity" but really meaning fundamental justice.
Parents must provide for their children because justice demands it. Although both parents share the responsibility, men have a particular obligation. This fits into the overall religious demand that males, sexually predatory by nature, make a commitment to marry the women they love, legitimate the children they sire, and support the families they create. Parents must not only provide for their children but teach children to provide eventually for themselves. Rabbi Judah taught that if a parent does not teach a child a craft, it is as if he has taught him thievery. Today, this responsibility means providing a proper secular education so that the child can someday earn a living.
When a child is nurtured and protected, when his or her needs are provided for, the parent can begin the most important task - mentoring or teaching the child values. Following in the footsteps of Abraham, parents must give moral and spiritual values to their children. They must set down absolute standards of right and wrong, moral and immoral behavior. A parent must set limits. He or she must be prepared to punish a child for infractions and praise a child for observances. (This does not necessarily mean corporal punishment against a child.) In truth a child may rebel, but at least that child will have something solid to rebel against.
Rabbi Neil Kurshan wrote a thoughtful book that I highly recommend for parents entitled Raising Your Child to Be a Mensch. It is packed with practical advice for overworked and overwrought parents. Kurshan writes:
"If we as parents keep a steady gaze on what is decent and good - if we let our natural instincts be guided by our experience and a moral tradition that can sort out our confusion and harness the darker sides of ourselves - if we do not let the advice of the experts drown us in insecurity, ignorance, or cynicism, we can raise children who will steer their own decent courses through life." Parents must have their own clear vision as to what is good and what is proper; only then can they set their children on the proper moral course. Parents teach values by example. If parents live a life of honesty, integrity, even-temperedness, generosity, fidelity, courage, and self-discipline, their children will learn these values. If they teach their children to "do as I say, not as I do", they will be far less successful. There is a powerful Hasidic story of the Zhitomer rabbi who saw a drunken man staggering in the gutter, with a younger drunken man following him. The younger man said to the other, "dad, wait for me." The rabbi turned to his son and said, "I envy that father. He has accomplished his goal of having a son like himself. I don't know whether you will be like me. I can only hope that the drunkard is not more successful in training his son than I am with you."
(This answer is adapted from Rabbi Gold's new book God, Love, Sex, and Family)
© Rabbi Michael Gold
