Should I Honor Abusive Parents?
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Honoring parents is a commandment that applies, even when parents did a poor job raising us. We are not commanded to love or even like our parents, simply to care for them and show them respect. Even parents who were cold and unloving, parents who were selfish or self-absorbed, parents who were overly strict or unduly permissive, deserve our honor. The Talmud teaches that Dama ben Netinah refused to insult or embarrass his mother even when she threw an expensive silk and gold shirt into the ocean. Our parents deserve this honor because of the status of their position, not because of the quality of their parenting ability. By honoring our particular parents we are also honoring all parents, and parenthood as an institution.
This leaves a powerful question - are there ever parents who were so cruel, so hateful, or so abusive that a child can say, this parent I will not honor? Unfortunately, this is not a theoretical question. The most painful counseling situation I ever faced was a deeply disturbed young woman seeking religious solace. She had spent several years in therapy with a psychologist at a rape crisis center. The therapist had uncovered the fact that her father had not only sexually molested her as a young child, but her parents had participated with her in satanic rituals that included rape, animal mutilation, and even murder. These childhood memories had all but destroyed this woman; my role was to use religious rituals as a form of atonement and healing.
Sadly, such parents exist. I have met parents who have mercilessly beat their children. I have even met a father who tried unsuccessfully to murder his son. The question is, where does the fifth commandment fit when parents are this abusive? Once again, I have tried to find guidance in the vast tradition of Judaism. There is a long-standing rabbinic debate on this very issue. The Talmud raises the question of a son who inherits property stolen by his father. Must the children return the stolen property to the original owner? The Talmud teaches that if the father repented, the children must try to return the property for the sake of his honor. The clear implication is that if the father did not repent but remained a wicked man, the children do not need to honor him. This is the law as codified by medieval legalists.
Maimonides however disagrees. Even if the father is wicked and transgresses many commandments, a child must still honor and revere him. A modern commentator tries to reconcile Maimonides with the Talmud. In doing so, he has a brilliant insight that can help children today that grew up with abusive parents. The Aruch HaShuchan teaches that even according to the Rambam [Maimonides], only if he is wicked because he has lost control of his appetite does the child have to honor him. But if he is genuinely wicked it is forbidden to honor him."
In other words, there are two kinds of wickedness, an uncontrolled appetite and genuine wickedness. The former may be a man who cannot control his appetite for alcohol and becomes abusive when drunk. He might even include a pedophile who sexual abuses a child. The latter would be a parent who involves a young child in the kind of satanic rituals described above.
Having said this, we can now turn to the question should a child honor an abusive parent? There is no right or wrong answer. Ultimately, my advice is that a child need not honor a parent if such honor will destroy the child's very self. Here is my own list of recommendations. First, the child needs ongoing therapy in order to heal his or herself. If a person does not love themselves or feel whole within themselves, they cannot love or honor another person, even a parent. A child may need several years of separation from the parent to concentrate on the task of rebuilding self esteem.
Once the child has reached a point where contact with the parent is not destructive to his or her very self, then the child can more objectively look at the question: why did my parent abuse me? Was my father a wicked man? Or did he simply lose control? At this point, it might be possible to reestablish an ongoing relationship at some level which would include honoring the parent.
It might even be possible to forgive ones' parents. If there is any lesson in our shared religious traditions, it is that forgiveness leads to healing. Our task as human beings is to imitate God, who is portrayed throughout the Torah as slow to anger and quick to forgive By forgiving the parents lack of self- control, one can then learn to honor that parent.
I spoke recently with a young woman who was a victim of child sexual abuse. For many years she refused any contact with her father. Finally, after intensive therapy, she felt whole enough to reestablish a relationship. She told me that she loves her father, although she will not allow her daughter to be alone with him. She claimed that she understood her father's lack of self-control; he was not an evil man, just a very weak one. She is happy to have achieved the psychological healing to be able to maintain a relationship with her father. (This answer is adapted from Rabbi Gold's new book God, Love, Sex, and Family)
© Rabbi Michael Gold
