Must I Obey My Parents?

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(This answer refers to adult children living independently of their parents. Obviously, minor children living at home must obey their parents as long as the parents do not ask them to act in a way that is illegal or immoral. Even adult children living with their parents must obey the rules of their parents' home.)

The fifth of the Ten Commandments teaches, "Honor your father and your mother, that you may long endure on the land which the LORD your God has given you." (Exodus 20:12, Deuteronomy 5:16) The rabbis wrote that when a man honors his father and mother, it is considered as though he is honoring God. After all, God was a partner with our parents in our creation. On the other hand, to insult ones parents is to insult God.

There is another commandment that expresses the respect due to parents in different words. "You shall each fear his mother and father, and keep my Sabbaths: I am the LORD." (Leviticus 19:3) The Hebrew means "fear," although a better translation is "revere"; we must revere and stand in awe of our mother and father. The rabbis noted that here the mother is mentioned first, while in terms of honor the father is mentioned first. The reason is because a person has a natural tendency to honor their mother (who cared for them) and fear their father ("wait until daddy gets home!") So the Torah goes out of its way to teach that fear and honor apply equally to both parents. Honoring parents is a totally egalitarian commandment.

What is the essence of the commandment - what precisely is our duty to our parents? The rabbis, using masculine language, taught that `fear' means that the son is not to stand in his father's place, nor to sit in his place; not to contradict him, nor to tip the scales in an argument against him. `Honor' means that the son must supply his father with food and drink, provide him with clothes and footwear, and assist his coming in and going out of the house."

Although taught from a male perspective, this profound teaching holds for sons and daughters, for mothers and fathers. Fear or revere means to avoid any action which undermines the dignity, authority, and standing of the parent. One may not even sit in a father's chair or publicly contradict one's mother. I often remind my children not to sit in my chair nor that of my wife at the dining room table. This small act of respect serves as a reminder of our role as their parents.

Therefore, we see two aspects of the commandment to respect one's parents, one positive and one negative. There is the positive requirement to provide for one's parents physical needs. And there is the negative prohibition never to detract from the dignity and standing of a parent.

We have defined the commandment of honoring parents as understood by the Torah and the rabbinic commentators in the Talmud. It is worthwhile to note what the commandment does not entail. First, nowhere are we commanded to love our parents. In fact, the rabbis were realists; they recognized that children often do not love their parents. "The love of a parent is toward the child, the love of the child toward their child." Love is a one way vector from the older to the younger generation, not necessarily the other way around. It may be wonderful when children love their parents, it may be an ideal, but it is not a commandment.

Also, nowhere are children commanded to obey their parents. Let us return to the command in Leviticus. "You shall each fear his mother and father, and keep my Sabbaths: I am the LORD." (Leviticus 19:3) Why does the same verse discuss fearing parents and observing the Sabbath. Even if your parents tell you to break the Sabbath, you should not obey them. There is a limit to the honor we owe our parents; we do not heed them if they ask us to break a law of the Torah.

The rabbis broadened this ruling that parents need not be obeyed unless it is in regard to providing for their basic physical needs as described above. If parents demand that we marry a particular person, live in a particular place, or enter a particular profession, we are not obligated to listen to them. I have found this to be one of the most difficult areas of conflict in the relationship between parents and children.

It is the way of the world that parents demand obedience and children demand independence. In my counseling, I encourage adult children to listen to their parents with respect and carefully consider their words. Nonetheless, ultimately children must make their own decisions. They must do it in a way that does not detract from their parent's dignity. The practical question is how to find this balance between honoring parents and asserting independence.

(This answer is adapted from Rabbi Gold's new book God, Love, Sex, and Family)

© Rabbi Michael Gold