Many Sets of Roots

Justin and Tali Smith are two adopted Jewish kids who have extensive contact with their biological families. They visit with their biological fathers and extended family members twice a year -on birthdays and on or near Chanukah. Their adoptions by Debbie and Gary Smith - a Jewish couple in Reston, Va. - are considered "open," with both biological and adoptive parents knowing about each other. In the Smiths' case, the adoptions are wide open for the children's benefit, explains Debbie Smith, a social worker who has worked in foster care and adoption for public and private agencies. "Initially, we met in neutral, public places" until the adoptions were finalized, explains Smith. "And later, we thought that was ridiculous." Now the families visit in each other's homes. "It's not everybody's cup of tea," she adds. "Both birth fathers are happy to see their kids and see how they're growing. But frankly, they don't want to have any more contact than that. They want to do young man stuff - go out Saturday nights and be with their friends..." Well aware of cases where adult adoptees struggle with identity issues and searches for biological parents, Smith reasons, "My kids will never have to have that big, dramatic quest. They have the information, and they know who they are connected to. It takes away that mystery." The openness, says Gary Smith, "has been uncomfortable at times, joyous at times, and I think that the benefit to our kids and to us is that we're dealing with these issues now instead of when the children reach age 18 or later. We're trying to model a communication style of honesty right up front." Each adoption of their healthy Caucasian children came about differently. Initially, the Smiths decided to become foster parents to Justin, then 5 1/2 months old. He later became available for adoption. In the meantime, the couple's concerns about possible infertility became confirmed, and when Justin was about 2 years old, the Smiths embarked on finding another child through private adoption. They placed classified advertisements in a local community newspaper - and waited. It took about eight months for the "right" telephone call to come in. "We met right away, that weekend," remembers Debbie Smith. "Being Jewish did definitely come up," she adds, noting that the vast majority of birth parents are non-Jewish. "They said, they would like to give Christmas presents [to their child], and we said that we were Jewish and we'd prefer they be Chanukah presents. They did not have a problem with that." Debbie and Gary Smith are "active shul goers" at Congregation Beth Emeth in Herndon, and Justin and Tali have been converted to Judaism. "We certainly talk about the fact that they were born not Jewish, and that that this is now the family you're in. Sometimes one of them will say, 'I would have gotten Christmas presents,'" had they remained with their birth families. Smith reminds the children of the joyous traditions, including Chanukah, that they observe in a Jewish family. Smith has led workshops on Jewish identity issues at national adoption conferences. "The issue comes up that their birth families are non-Jewish, so do you celebrate the other part of their heritage - celebrate Christmas because their [birth families] are Christian? I say, "I didn't adopt children to raise them in two religions. I adopted children to have a Jewish family," notes Smith. Says her husband, adopting children "has just been the most positive wonderful thing to happen to me, because it has kept me from focusing on myself and has kept me focusing on our kids, on those warm, fuzzy people who have come into our lives."