Jewish Adoptees

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Adoption is everywhere - and changing the face of the Jewish community. Years ago, most children adopted by Jewish families had been born to Jewish mothers and were white, and many were not even told they were adopted. "Thirty years ago everything was cloaked in secrecy; cross-religious, let alone cross-cultural and cross-racial adoptions were almost unheard of," said Shelley Sanders, manager of adoption services at the Jewish Family Services of Philadelphia, at a recent Stars of David conference on adoption. Today, most children adopted by Jewish families are born to non-Jews and some come from places as far-flung as Texas and Russia, China and Guatemala. They are white, black, Asian, Indian, Cherokee - and combinations thereof. And today's adoptees are usually aware of their status. The signs of adoption activity are steadily increasing. Jews are present and active in many adoption support groups around the country. Stars of David, an organization that offers support and information to Jewish and partly Jewish families, has chapters cropping up around the country. Stars of David and the Association of Jewish Family & Children's Agencies, a national umbrella group, co-published a national directory of adoption services offered by the various children's and family agencies under Jewish auspices.

Articles about Jewish adoption abound in newspapers and magazines, even professional journals. Personal accounts and primers about adoption have been published, and several more are under way. Conferences about adoption are proliferating. What is the status of adoption today? According to the Council of Jewish Federations' 1990 National Jewish Population Survey, three percent of all Jews in America, or 246,000 of 8,200,000 Jews, were adopted. There are about 60,000 adopted children under age eighteen in the total Jewish population. Twenty-five percent of the adopted children came from overseas. Statistics are hard to come by, but it appears that adoption among Jews is on the rise. The main reason is that Jews often postpone childbearing until later years, at which time infertility problems start to surface. The Population Survey reported that as many as one in five Jewish couples experiences infertility problems, a higher rate than in the general population. Yet Jews are strongly motivated to have families and often feel deep pain when experiencing infertility. According to the survey, a large number of these couples decide to adopt. If the phenomenon of adoption were growing, it would seem logical that adopted children are well accepted and well integrated into the Jewish community. But are they? The question is complex. At its heart is a deeper question: Does the Jewish community (or segments thereof) accept conversion and converts, and in what manner, especially since there is no uniform conversion procedure for either adult converts or adopted children? Some Jews oppose the adoption of children that are non-Jewish by birth, although these youngsters are more available than Jewish children. This may reflect prejudice or discomfort with conversion, or it may indicate concern with the small but significant number of Jewish special-needs children who have trouble finding permanent adoptive homes. One adoptive parent of a few disabled, born-Jewish children decried the unwillingness of most Jews to consider adopting Jewish children if they are "less than perfect" either physically or mentally. In some ways, Judaism itself places limitations on the inclusion of adopted children, but not when it comes to parental love and responsibility. According to halacha (Jewish law), an adopted girl cannot marry a Kohen if she has been converted. An adopted son cannot inherit the Kohen or Levi status of his adoptive father. There are also differing opinions as to whether an adopted child should be called by the name of his adoptive parent or must be referred to as "Ben Avraham" or "Bat Sarah," in the manner of an adult convert, says Rabbi Michael Gold, a Conservative rabbi and adoptive parent who has written and lectured widely on adoption. Halacha imposes another kind of limitation: If a Jewish birth mother gave up a child for adoption, there may be fear of mamzerut, a status of illegitimacy conferred on an individual by virtue of being the product of an adulterous or incestuous union. Such an individual can marry only another person with the same status. Even if a child is raised Jewishly (and 48 percent of children adopted by Jews are), this does not guarantee the child will feel Jewish. When adopted children come to agencies to search for their biological parents, says Shelley Rosenberg, an adoptive mother and educator who is writing a book (Jewish Publication Society) on adopting and raising a child Jewish, "one of the first questions they ask is, `Am I really Jewish?' even though they know they are as Jewish as you and I. There is a niggling doubt in their own minds. The question is, is this internal or external, because of reactions of the community?" To the degree that the doubt is "external," the question is: Does the Jewish community truly accept people A different cultural or ethnic background, and especially, of different racial backgrounds? And if an adoptive parent or family member is more comfortable with someone like himself or herself, does this constitute true prejudice, or merely, in one adoptive parent's words, the "natural tendency" of people to respond to others who are physically similar to themselves? Adoption experts agree the acceptance issue is a complicated one. "The Jewish community has a very ambivalent response to adoption," asserts Rosenberg. "We believe in 'be fruitful and multiply,' and we are supportive of and happy for families who solve their fertility crisis through adoption. We're thrilled to see a cute little baby come into someone's arms. But the moment the adoption has any difficulty - such as a foreign-born adoptee at the dating age, people become nervous. Anything that creates added difference and challenge makes people nervous." Dating and marriage can be particularly sticky for adoptive parents of converted children, says Sue Katz, national chapter coordinator of Stars of David, and a mother of one adoptive and two biological children, who are all grown. Although her son has met no opposition from the parents of Jewish girls he dated, she says: "Parents are on shaky ground when they tell their kids they can't date other kind of people. What kind of message does that send to the child? He could say, `You loved me and I wasn't born to someone Jewish. Why can't I love someone who isn't Jewish? Maybe it's different for the Orthodox. For me, I can only tell my son, 'This is what we prefer.'" Michael Gold, whose And Hannah Wept has a landmark book on Jewish adoption, agrees that Jews and Judaism are ambivalent. "On the one hand, Judaism places great emphasis on bloodlines," he says. "On the one hand, Judaism places great emphasis on bloodlines, "he says. "On the other, the true parent is one who raises a child. Some people ask what right an adoptive parent has to convert a child. The Talmud says you can do something for a minor child's personal benefit without permission. But that child still has the right of refusal. That's why an adopted child has to re-affirm his or her Jewishness at bar or bat mitzvah age." One couple - who co-founded and head a Jewish Children's Adoption Network in Denver that places born-Jewish, mostly special-needs, children in Jewish adoptive families and who adopted three such children themselves - feel there is an additional factor in the acceptance question: the "anti-adoption bias" of American society. "There are a lot of left-in-trashcan stories," says Vicki Krausz. "There's a sense of, who could your parents be if they gave you up? Plus the feeling, there must be something wrong with you if you were rejected by your bio family." The Krauszs also point out that people still have prejudice against illegitimacy in the popular, as opposed to the halachic, sense of the term - children born out of wedlock-that colors their attitudes toward adoptees. The difficulty of making generalizations about acceptance and non-acceptance is that families' experiences with adoption are tremendously diverse. "There are huge differences among rabbis in attitudes toward adopted kids and converted kids," notes Gold. "And race is still an issue. Jewish law is far more tolerant than Jews are." Sandy and Dr. Jack Rabin of Harrisburg, Pa., have had largely positive experiences since they adopted Scott and Daniel, two biological siblings from Colombia, twelve years ago. "It's been easy," says Sandy Rabin. However, she recalls one instance in which a friend made a comment about not wanting her child to date a Guatemalan that led Rabin to comment, "So you wouldn't let your daughter date one of my sons." But generally, Rabin says, her children are "so easily accepted and people don't look at their skin color. The children's grandparents are crazy about them. The kids accepted Judaism one-two-three." Rabin does admit to concern about dating and whether girls and their families will accept her sons. Daniel, who is eighteen, has already gone out on dates with a few girls, but Rabin says candidly she doesn't know if they've been Jewish or not. Racial prejudice in the Jewish community troubles some adoptive parents greatly. Richard and Suzanne Goldberg (not their real names) live in a metropolitan area on the East Coast. After raising three children, Suzanne Goldberg was drawn to a ten-year-old boy she was tutoring in a group home. An African-American, Eddie (not his real name) had not done well in foster homes and was "emotionally impaired," says Suzanne. When the rights of his parents were terminated, the Goldbergs initiated the process of adoption. "It never dawned on me we'd have problems with the Jewish community, and the Orthodox community in particular," says Suzanne. "My concern was whether the black community would accept him if he was raised as a Jew." At the time Suzanne was working at a day school, and found support from the "super-Orthodox" headmaster. His successor, however, had different views, including non-acceptance of dark-skinned Jews. Suzanne was so upset by his attitude she quit her job to devote herself to the care of Eddie and a grandchild she occasionally baby-sits. "It was painful and shocking to find parts of the Jewish community racist," she says. Friends also disappointed the Goldbergs. "I didn't get lots of comments, but there was a different kind of atmosphere with people I had been friendly with, one I could feel but couldn't totally explain," notes Suzanne. "I thought a group that's a minority would be more tolerant," adds her husband Richard. The Goldbergs feel Eddienow's peers have accepted him, with qualifications. "He does have friends, but he has yet to be invited to anyone's bar or bat mitzvah," says Suzanne. "We hope the invites will come. He seems well-liked and doesn't seem uncomfortable in being the only black at synagogue." Because of their discomfort with others' reactions, the Goldbergs for a few years stopped going to synagogue except on High Holidays and special occasions, although they had been long-time members of a "Conservadox" congregation. Currently they belong to a Conservative shul. Because of Eddies' age at the time of his adoption, they also decided to hold off on any conversation, allowing him to have a Christmas tree - although they kept that decision from all but a few close friends. Eddie, however, made a different decision. "He began asking for a bar mitzvah," says Suzanne. "We told him he needs to think about it carefully, since that would mean giving up holidays like Christmas, and studying. We also told him it's not our style to do a big extravaganza for a bar mitzvah so he shouldn't do it to get a lot of presents." Eddie is currently studying Hebrew and Judaism with a tutor and is "absorbing it like you can't imagine," says his parents. The family goes to synagogue every Saturday and, like all pre-bar mitzvah children. Eddie goes up to the bimah at the end of the service. Nearly fourteen, Eddie recently underwent a bris and went to the mikveh (ritual bath); his bar mitzvah will follow after further studies. The Goldbergs aren't sure what lies ahead, but they "know intellectually there will be a lot of unique problems when Eddie reaches the dating age," says Richard. "We hope Eddie will marry a Jewish girl, but we know that will be difficult. "With all our children, we want them to be happy whatever they do. The biggest thing is education; we have to educate others and hope it will work out O.K." The Krauszs, who are ultra-Orthodox, dispute opinions by adoptive parents of other denominations that the Orthodox are the least accepting. They say that once a child is converted properly, he is Jewish. "The [ultra-Orthodox] community is heavily instructed how to act," Vicki says. "I know of a woman raped by a black man who had a child, and the child did fine. But if someone says, `No one accepts my kid as Jewish,' and that person doesn't go to synagogue, puts the kid in Catholic school, etc. - that child may not be accepted. You can't say you're raising your child to be Jewish unless you do something. I advise adoptive parents to go to the most right-wing beit din possible so there won't be a shock when the child grows up." One individual who found both Judaism and Jews tolerant was Jill Kravitz, a middle-aged single woman who adopted a boy from Central America, half Hispanic and half Indian. Eli (both names are fictitious) was nearly eight at the time; he is now twenty-two and a community-college student. "I've had no problems whatsoever with friends, family or the community," says Kravitz, who is Traditional but not truly Orthodox. "Eli attended Jewish day school for a while and later a Hebrew high school, and we have gone to almost exclusively Orthodox synagogues. Once a few non-Jewish kids in public school called him `Jew Boy,' but there have been no remarks by Jews about his skin color or that he was adopted. The issue of his being biracial never came up with my parents." Kravitz, herself adopted, says her son has always gotten along well with people and "had all types of friends." Nor has he had any dating problems so far with Jewish girls or their families. An Orthodox beit din converted Eli and their home is kosher. "Parents are crazy about him," says Kravitz. "Eli went to Orthodox and Conservative youth conventions and activated the Jewish student association at college. He's now dating an Orthodox girl, but it's not that serious. Still, we've been in her home and her parents have been in ours." Kravitz adds that Eli associates "whatever was good to him" as Jewish and that he "took to Judaism like crazy." Myra and Stuart Sacks, adoptive parents in Harrisburg, Pa., also chose an Orthodox conversion for their son and daughter despite the fact that, in Stuart's words, "it was questionable whether we could have been called good Conservative Jews" at the time of either conversion. "We were done a favor," he says. As for requirements for an Orthodox conversion: Rabbi Steven Dworkin, executive vice president of the Rabbinical Council of America, an Orthodox umbrella group, says its beit din's "official minimal halachic standards" for converting an adopted child are: a commitment to kashrut, Shabbat observance, membership in an Orthodox synagogue within walking distance, and a day school education. "The idea is to encourage the kind of home where the child will be exposed to an authentic Jewish life and have the opportunity to become observant," Dworkin says. The Sackses have become more Traditional since their children's arrival. "Parents should do whatever is necessary [to qualify for an Orthodox conversion]," says Myra. "I believe deeply that a child is entitled to an unassailable conversion and unshakable Jewish identity. I'm adamant that kids should have an Orthodox conversion." Their children, she says, have been fully accepted into the yeshiva in Harrisburg. "We had been isolated by infertility," says Myra. "The Jewish community stepped forward and has been totally accepting. They gave us material baby things and advice." What disturbs Stuart Sacks, an attorney who has worked with adoptive parents, is the number of cases he is aware of in which even Jews who "consider themselves Orthodox" have difficulty finding a rabbi to convert their adoptive children. Many of these people, he says, live in rural areas where keeping kosher or observing Shabbat is very difficult. "People are becoming alienated from Judaism," he says. "I wish there were a uniform conversion mechanism. With the expansion of adoption in the '90s, there's a question whether the Jewish community is answering the call to include rather than exclude." For some parents, an Orthodox conversion is not a viable option. Aileen and Alan Gruber (not their real names), who live in New York City, have not had Sam, their adopted four-year-old, converted yet. Active Reform Jews, they are averse to the idea of an Orthodox conversion, yet are concerned that their son "may run into acceptance problems" in the future. "I feel as if we're in a Catch-22 and resent it," says Aileen. "Suppose he wants to date an Orthodox woman some day. Or perhaps he will want to live in Israel. Will his non-Orthodox conversion be accepted? This has been debated in Israel recently. Who knows what will be halachically correct then." Judith and Irving Groden (not their real names), a Manhattan couple, decided to have their Chinese-born daughter Liuliu converted by the Conservative rabbi who had married them. "He was very accepting," says Judith, "even though we didn't belong to his synagogue and aren't Conservative." As they are "basically secular Jews," explains Judith, the fact that Liuliu (Leah in Hebrew) will not be able to marry an Orthodox Jew (unless she later undergoes an Orthodox conversion) was not an issue for them. "What was important to us," says Judith, "was that Liuliu be converted so she could have another link to our families and to the larger Jewish family." After her immersion in the mikveh, recalls her mother, Liuliu proudly stated, "Now I'm Jewish like Mommy and Daddy and Grandma and Grandpa!" (the latter whom she knew was no longer living). Liuliu's conversion motivated the Grodens to become more actively Jewish. They joined a Reform synagogue, where Liuliu happily attends Hebrew school along with a number of other adopted children. The congregation has warmly accepted her. "I don't think anyone gives adopted children a second thought here," says a fellow temple member. Because of the presence of so many adopted children, there have been few periods ii Jewish history when so many potential converts have come into the community as today. Some sad the community has been slow to respond. Anima Diamond, a writer whose book on rituals aid practices relating to conversion aid adoption, is due out ii February (Stockmen Books), says the issue of converting children is "a real question on the table, much more a fact of life aid nom a blue moon kind of question and more." She asserts that there must be rituals to celebrate adoption aid conversion aid the re-affirmation of Jewishness am bar or bat mitzvah age that Traditional Judaism requires of child converts. To some degree, says L ?i.maim, that is already happening. "There's a trend ii the direction of conversion or some kind of ritual as opposed to adoptive parents saying, `This is my child and I don't need and kind of ritual,"' Diamaim comments. She also notes a "big comeback" among Reform aid Conservative Jews of immersion ii the mikveh aid other "traditional forms" of conversion, even if most conversions of adopted children are nom Orthodox per se. Rabbi Michael Gold would agree that the community has been slow to respond to the needs of families with adopted children. He has frequently called for the Jewish community to invest more attention aid resources ii adoption. These would include information aid referral, moral support, and possibly financial aid for parents who don't have the money to adopt. "I don't wait to sad this, bum Jewish family agencies don't really network or share information about adoption regularly," adds Sue Kaman, who is writing a primer on adoption. "Adoptive families need information, because there are many wads to adopt. Aid they need a support group. Adoption issues are for a lifetime, especially for the kids."

© Barbara Tranin Blank