How Do We Keep Romance in Our Marriage?

"Love and Marriage, Go Together like a Horse and Carriage." So goes the old song. In reality, it is not necessarily true. Too often a couple will fall in love and marry despite serious disagreements about such fundamental issues as religion, money, family, gender roles, or even the basic values of their partner. These couples naively believe that "love conquers all." As various issues arise, the love seems to fade. Rarely can love alone sustain a marriage when other ingredients are missing.

To explore the role of love in marriage, it would be useful to compare two Biblical stories, the marriage of Isaac to Rebekah and the marriage of their son Jacob to Rachel. Isaac and Rebekah had an arranged marriage; they did not even meet until shortly before the wedding. The Bible says, "Isaac then brought her [Rebekah] into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he took Rebekah as his wife. Isaac loved her, and thus found comfort after his mother's death." (Genesis 24:67) What is noteworthy is that the love came after the marriage.

Jacob and Rachel's marriage was much closer to our contemporary scenario. He loved her, worked seven years for her, was forced to work a second group of seven years, and yet "they seemed to him but a few days because of his love for her." (Genesis 29:20) They fell in love and eventually go married.

Which couple had the stronger marriage? There is no way to compare absolutely. Nonetheless, both couples suffered sever infertility problems. Their very different reactions serve as a clue to the strength of their respective marriages. Isaac and Rebekah waited twenty years to have a child. When they learned that Rebekah was infertile, "Isaac pleaded with the Lord on behalf of his wife." (Genesis 25:21) Rachel also was infertile and she cried out in pain at her inability to conceive. Jacob answered with anger, "Can I take the place of God, who has denied you the fruit of the womb!" (Genesis 30:2). There seems to be more kindness and understanding in Isaac and Rebekah's arranged marriage than in Jacob and Rachel's marriage built on romantic love. It is noteworthy that when Jacob died, he asked to be buried not with his true love Rachel but with his first wife Leah.

What is the role of love in creating a successful marriage? The best answer comes out of the Greek view of love. The Greeks had three terms for various aspects of love - eros, philos, and agape. Eros is romantic love, where sexual attraction is combined with a kind of chemistry. Infatuation often masks as eros. It is a love that makes us fly, but also a love that can bring us low. We are in love with our partner for what our partner does for us; yet, we are unsure if it will last. Will this love disappear? Will our lover find someone else more attractive?

With eros alone, we are focused on ourself and our needs. Eros feels wonderful when we experience it, but it can never sustain a marriage. Eros requires some mystery. The prosaic, day-to-day realities of marriage often stifle the magic of eros. Marital love requires something more.

Philos is the love that grows out of friendship. It implies an intimacy, a sharing, a total comfort with one another. It is philos that the Jewish wedding ceremony refers to when it speaks about husband and wife as reim ahuvim, loving friends. I tell every bride and groom I meet with that, in order for their marriage to succeed, they have to be best friends. They must love spending time together, feel free to relax with one another, and be totally comfortable in each other's presence.

A couple must take time to communicate. They must share moments of intimacy. I remember, shortly before meeting my wife, speaking with a woman who had been happily married for many years. I asked her what the secret to a successful marriage is and she answered, "find someone you can laugh with.

"Eros and philos are both essential ingredients for a successful marriage. Having said that, my years of rabbinic counseling have convinced me that a marriage where there is philos but no eros has a far better chance of succeeding than a marriage with eros but no philos. As important as sexual chemistry and romance are for a good marriage, a warm friendship and intimacy are even more important. And most important of all is agape, the selfless love that brings us to sacrifice for our spouse. Agape is altruistic love. It is best demonstrated by a classical Hasidic story.

Rabbi Moshe Leib of Sasov once said, "A peasant taught me what is true love of others. The peasant was sitting in an inn drinking with a companion. Suddenly he turned to his friend and asked: `Do you love me?'
`I love you very much.'
`If you love me, tell me what gives me pain?'
`How would I know that?'
`If you don't know what gives me pain, how can you say you love me?'"
With agape we truly feel our loved one's pain. It is the love that Buber referred to when he spoke of an I-Thou relationship. It is unconditional love, the love that caused Jonathan to give up the kingship to rescue his friend David. Agape is the love the Bible refers to when it speaks of one's soul being bound up in another soul. (Genesis 44:30) It is love as service to the other, being and giving for the welfare of the other. It is love built on empathy. It is the love when a man or a woman makes their spouse the most important commitment in their life - more important than their parents, their children, their business, even themselves.

I am convinced this kind of love does not come immediately, in the rush of romance, to a couple. It comes after they have established intimacy, after they have begun to build a home together. That is why I tell every couple planning a wedding, the true love comes after the marriage. Agape is the love Golda sang to Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof, "For twenty five years I lived with him, fought with him, starved with him. For twenty five years my bed was his, if that's not love, what is?"

Eros is the love that uplifts and electrifies us; it is inner directed. Philos is the love built on mutuality and friendship. Agape is the love built on service to the beloved; it is outer directed. It is the love known in Judaism as chesed, unselfish giving for the welfare of the other. All three kinds of love are essential ingredients for a good marriage. When they are all present, a man and a woman ought to feel truly blessed.

Love has an essential role in a successful marriage. Romantic love alone is not enough; romance must be tempered by friendship, and must grow into altruistic love. We must find a balance between romance and practicality, between the sexual and the spiritual, between being friends and lovers. If a couple can achieve this balance from the very beginning, they can build a marriage that will last for an eternity.

(This is adapted from Rabbi Gold's booklet The Seven Secrets of a Successful Marriage.)