Eating a Reality Sandwich
Nice to hear that others too have been there, done that and didn't buy a t-shirt. We are still, however, in a similar situation. Our oldest adoptive child, adopted at age 9, has a classic case of RAD. Is it any wonder? She had 20 placements prior to our home. She is now 16 1/2.
Our second adoption was of a 6-year-old boy, now approaching his twelfth birthday. He had a drug-alcohol birth, was sexually abused and has had three abandonments. He was placed in three different institutions from age 2 1/2 to age 4 1/2 for his intense violent rages. He is still somewhat violent but has only been hospitalized once during his time with us.
Our third child will soon be 13. She is also a RAD child, but not the textbook case as is her older sister.
They all lie and steal. The oldest, however, has the most severe problems with this. They all thrive on chaos. If they cannot instigate it among their sibs, they will create chaos with anyone (it doesn't matter) in order to maintain some resemblance of balance in their lives. This is all they knew prior to coming into our home, so they continue this sad game.
We were intensive therapeutic foster parents for 14 years, and at least understand the names of their games. It doesn't make it any easier. There are times we go to bed aching from long restraints which were initiated by threats and violence toward the home or family. There are times when they've run away and we've had to call the police too.
I think our love for them went out the window several years ago. Oh, we still care about them and share and express concern for them. And they still tug at our heart strings from time to time because of a lot in life which they did not choose.
However, there is not a day in our lives that they do not act out with disrespect, violence, opposition, negativity, manipulation, etc. We pray with them, discuss Bible scripture with them, but how can we expect them to love a God they cannot see, when they have no concept of love - for themselves or others? We just pray that one day, the Christ we worship will perform a miracle in their lives. That at the end of their time in our home, He will care for them and that they will become productive citizens, able to make a living. That is our goal. To hold expectations other than this would be setting us all up to fail. Sometimes this dose of reality helps. The thought that our anger is, for the most part, when our expectations do not meet reality.
Be glad to speak with others. They may reach me at cheebaT@hotmail.com
© Cheeba Thiem-Sobotka
