Are We Ready for Sex?
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(I hope anybody considering a sexual relationship will carefully consider the religious implications of the sexual act. The following summarizes the Jewish position, an approach I treat at much greater length in my book, "Does God Belong in the Bedroom?")
There is a popular notion in our culture that one can either enjoy religion or one can enjoy sex - but one cannot enjoy both. To live a deeply religious life is to see sex as somehow tainted with sin, best to be avoided, or at least not enjoyed. To live a pleasurable sexual life is to give up the self-restraints and disciplines taught by religion. Too many people believe that one must choose - religion or sex. Such a false dichotomy is not what my religion teaches.
There is a story in the Talmud about a student named Kahane who hid under his rabbi's bed while the rabbi made love to his wife. In the middle Kahane came out and told his rabbi, "One would think that you never sipped the cup before!" Surprised, the rabbi answered, "Kahane, is that you? Get out of here, it's not nice." Kahane answered, "this too is Torah and I came to learn." I tell my students not to use this story as a precedent to hide under my bed. (Just in case, we keep the burglar alarm on.) However, sex is part of Torah (literally God's teaching); from a Jewish perspective it is something God wants us to do.
Sex is good. In fact, sex with the right person, in the right context, with the right attitude, becomes a way of serving God. To use the language of Judaism, sex is a mitzvah. As we will show, the mitzvah is not simply procreation, but the mutual pleasure of the sexual act itself. To live a life of sexual abstinence is considered a tragedy. The Bible tells the story of Jephtach's daughter, who died at a very young age thanks to an imprudent vow by her father. The poor young woman went off to the mountains to bewail her virginity. The Talmud teaches that when we die, we will be asked, "did you enjoy every pleasure God gave you to enjoy in this world?" All depends on context. In the right context, sex is good, holy, and a way to serve God.
Nevertheless, there is another message from my tradition which is more sobering. Sex, in the wrong context, with the wrong person, with the wrong attitude, is a very destructive source. We already see examples of such destructive sex in the Bible. There is Noah and his son (homosexual incest), Jacob's daughter Dinah (rape), Joseph and Potiphar's wife (sexual harassment), the encounter with the Midianites (sexual orgies), and David and Batsheva (adultery and murder.) The Bible pulls no punches when it describes destructive sexual behavior. Whole chapters in Leviticus speak of sexual activity to be avoided, because these were the pagan ways of the ancient Canaanites. The rabbis identified the untamed and uncontrolled sexual drive with the evil inclination. "Ben Zoma said, who is strong? Whoever keeps his [sexual] drive under control." If there is any area where human beings can lose the self-discipline and restraint necessary for civilization, it is in the area of sexual behavior.
One thing I love about Jewish tradition is that the rabbis were realists. They were legislating for flesh and blood human beings, not angels. That is why Rabbi Ilai taught, "If a man sees that the evil inclination is overcoming him, let him dress in black, let him go someplace no one knows him, and let him do the deed. But he should not publicly profane the name of God." The rabbis were not condoning improper sexual behavior, simply recognizing the reality of its existence. Better it should be carried out in secret than in public; at least that way we can maintain community standards. (What a powerful message for today where there are no community standards.) They knew that sex has harmful potential as a destructive force.
Reading these sources, it is clear that the sexual act itself is morally neutral, a mere biological act. In one context it is a destructive force; in another context it becomes a way of serving God. This point was best made in a wonderful rabbinic story. There was a young rabbinic student who was meticulous about the commandment to wear tzitzit, the fringes worn by pious Jewish men on the four corners of their garment. The student heard about a prostitute who was the most beautiful and most expensive in the world. He sent her the price in gold coins, set up a date, and went to see her. When he arrived, she was sitting naked on the top of seven mattresses, each made of silver, each covered with beautiful bedclothes. He started to undress and climb up to her, when the four tzitzit flew up and hit him in the face. He immediately stopped and sat sulking on the floor.
The young woman climbed down and sat next to him. "Perhaps you see some blemish in me?" "No," said the young man. "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. But I saw the four fringes acting as witnesses against me."
"Who is your teacher?" asked the woman. The student wrote it on a slip of paper and handed it to her. Immediately she gave up her profession, sold everything keeping only the bedclothes, went to his teacher and converted to Judaism. She married the student, and the Talmud ends with the phrase "the same bedclothes that were to be used in an illegitimate way were now going to be used legitimately."
The story of the bedclothes teaches that the sexual act may be the same in a biological sense, but changing the context changes the entire meaning. What is improper or even harmful in one context is morally neutral in another, and in still another context becomes a way of serving God.
What is destructive sex as the rabbis understood it. Certainly it includes rape or non-consent (even between a husband and wife), any sexual activity built on lies, sex based on a power play (for example, between a clergyman and a parishioner.) It includes sex between two teenagers; I believe teens are too young to understand and consent to the emotional and physical dangers of sex. The greatest concern of Judaism is two categories of sexual activity - adultery and incest. The rabbis termed gilui arayot, the improper uncovering of nakedness. Adultery destroys the trust between husband and wife on which a successful marriage is built. And incest destroys the relationship between members of the same family.
Thus, Jewish law would forbid adultery even if a couple chooses to have an open marriage. Jewish law would also forbid a consensual relationship between a brother and sister, even if proper protection against pregnancy is used. Such sexual acts, even with consent, have the potential of destroying families.
What about non-destructive sexual encounters? When I lecture on this subject, I always raise the issue of a man and a woman who meet in a bar. Both are single and unencumbered, both are a bit lonely, both treat each other with mutual kindness and respect. What if they go home and have a one night stand to take care of their physical needs? Have they done anything wrong?
Most Jews are surprised to learn that such a sexual encounter is not explicitly forbidden in the written Torah (the five books of Moses). On the contrary, most Biblical characters seem to live quite lusty sexual lives. Even later rabbis argued about the propriety of non-marital sex between consenting adults. Individual rabbis permitted it under certain conditions. Nonetheless, the thrust of tradition overwhelmingly forbids it. In fact, Jewish tradition discourages the mingling of men and women while encouraging early marriage in order to avoid such non-marital encounters.
This rabbinic attitude is best illustrated by another Talmudic story. A young man developed an overwhelming sexual passion for a particular woman to the point where the doctors said, "let him satisfy his lust lest he die." (They did not seem too concerned with the woman's opinion of this.) It went before the rabbis who said, "let him die." The doctors then said, "let her walk naked in front of him." The rabbis said, "let him die." The doctors said, "at least let the two of them talk privately behind the bushes." The rabbis said, "let him die."
The Talmud discusses this incident. If his life was in danger and she was single, why be so strict? Let them have sex to save his life. The Talmud gives two reasons for the prohibition. First, such a sexual encounter would be a blot on her family name. And second, it would set a bad example for the daughters of Israel. Rather, they suggest that he marry her. But the doctors say that this will not assuage his passion, for "stolen waters are sweet."
The point of the story seems to be that non-marital sex is improper even to save a life. It would be a blot on the woman's reputation, perhaps preventing other men from marrying her. And it would set a bad example for others, perhaps encouraging them to sleep together without a marriage. In other words, non-marital sex would undermine the Torah ideal of marriage and family.
I believe that sleeping together outside of marriage is not a moral issue at all. Two people can have a very ethical sexual relationship without the benefit of clergy, whether it is the two people who meet in a bar mentioned above or two people living together in a long-term faithful relationship. I would estimate that over 90% of the young people (and many of the seniors) who want me to perform their marriage are already living together. I do not condemn them as immoral. Non-marital sex is not a question of morality but of holiness. Marriage takes this same sexual act and turns it into a way of serving God. The Torah teaches, "a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave onto his wife." It does not say "cleave unto various girlfriends, lovers, and one-night stands." I believe, and my rabbinic counseling has convinced me, that the Talmud discouraged non-marital sex because they felt it was a disincentive to marry. Over and over I meet women who date because they are looking for a husband, and men who date because they are looking for a bed partner. If marriage is the ultimate goal, a dating couple ought not to be distracted by the issue, "when should we sleep together?" Within the context of marriage sex becomes a way of serving God. Its purpose is not simply procreation, as important as that is. Even outside of procreation, sex has a holy purpose - the unity of a husband and wife for their mutual pleasure. Based on a verse in the Bible, the rabbis gave a name to this - onah. Onah is the obligation of a husband to have regular, pleasurable sexual relations with his wife. In Judaism sex becomes a man's duty and a woman's right. (The precise opposite of our Western culture which speaks of a woman's duty and a man's right.)
In fact, the Talmud in its own inimitable way, carefully quantified the obligation of onah. For a man of leisure it was every night, for a working man twice a week, for an ass driver once a week, for a camel driver once every thirty days, for a sailor once every six months. (And for a rabbi, from Friday night to Friday night!) If a man wanted to change professions to make himself less available for regular sexual activity, his wife had veto power.
Under the rubric of onah, there is great room for experimentation and variety in a married couple's sexual life. The Talmud explicitly teaches that a couple is not limited to the missionary position; it also mandates sexual activity in the nude. The only limitations are immodesty, drunkenness, sex when there is strife and non-consensual sex. There is even concern for a woman's pleasure and her orgasm in Talmudic sources some fifteen hundred years before the modern feminist movement. (There are also sources concerned with a man's pleasure.) These early rabbinic sources are not embarrassed to discuss the most intimate details of marital sexual activity. As Kahane learned when he his under his rabbis bed, "this too is Torah."
In my book Does God Belong in the Bedroom?, I built a ladder of sexual activity. On the bottom of the ladder is unethical sex - sex that destroys people and families. In the middle of the ladder is sex that is neither unethical nor holy, various levels of non-marital sexual activity. Further up the ladder is sexual activity between two people in an exclusive, long-term, loving relationship. On the top of the ladder is holy sex - a married couple keeping the commandment of onah as defined by the rabbis. Through their own mutual pleasure, they are also serving God.
As I envision this metaphor of the ladder, I think of a well-known Hasidic story. A rebbe asks his disciples, "who is higher on a ladder, someone on the third rung or someone on the fifteenth rung?" One disciple answers, "someone on the fifteenth rung of course." "No," says the rebbe, "it all depends on whether they are going up or going down." My goal as a rabbi is to help people climb this ladder.
© Rabbi Michael Gold
