Adoption and the Jewish Family

"A child is the beauty of God present in the world - the greatest gift to a family." (Mother Teresa) These words have a special resonance for adoptive families. Because our road to parenthood has not been easy, we are all the more aware and appreciative of the joys our children bring. Jewish adoptive parents share these feelings with other adoptive families, but they also have some unique experiences and concerns. Adoptions are on the rise in the Jewish community. In 1990, the National Jewish Population Survey of the Council of Jewish Federations identified 60,000 adopted Jewish children under age 18 in the USA, representing more than 3 percent of all Jewish children in this country. One quarter of these were born abroad. The study also found that 13 percent of Jewish couples who were thinking of having children were considering adoption. Many single people are also turning to adoption as a way to create a family. The primary impetus for adoption in the Jewish community today is infertility, which affects one Jewish couple in five. The inability to bear a child is a heartbreaking situation for any couple. The pain of Jewish couples is intensified by constant reminders of how valued children are in the Jewish tradition, as epitomized by the first Biblical commandment: "Be fruitful and multiply." Community life and synagogue activities often revolve around the family. One Jewish woman who experienced years of infertility remembers, "Every Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (the Jewish New Year and Day of Atonement) I could not hold back the tears when the stories of Sarah and Hannah were read in synagogue. I identified with their pain through years of childlessness, and wondered whether my prayers, like theirs, would every be answered." Now that she and her husband are adoptive parents, she finds special meaning when Psalm 113 is recited on certain Jewish holidays: "He makes the barren woman to dwell in her house as a joyful mother of children." The Jewish community traditionally has viewed adoption in a very positive light. Biblical adoptions include Abraham and Eliezer, Moses, and Mordecai and Esther. According to the Talmud, Judaism places value on the parent who nurtures and educates a child, regardless of whether that parent gave birth to the child. The modem Hebrew word for adoption, ametz, meaning "strengthen," was taken from a reference in Psalm 80 to a stem transplanted and made strong. Adoptive parents face the special challenge of integrating their children's own biological, ethnic, cultural, and religious heritage with the differing heritages of their family. To build their children's sense of identity and self-esteem, parents must help them understand and appreciate their roots. In this process of integration, whether they adopt domestically or cross-culturally, Jewish families face several unique religious and social issues. Ritual circumcision Jewish tradition requires ritual circumcision (brio for a male child. When a healthy child is adopted as a newborn, this usually presents no problem. However, many adoptions occur when the infant is at least several months old. At what age should the brit be performed for a child making a transition from different caretakers and even a different country? How can a family avoid disrupting the stability and security they are trying to provide the infant? For older children, problems of trust, anxiety, and understanding the ritual arise. To choose the best course for their family, parents should consult with a rabbit, mohel (a specialists in Jewish ritual. circumcision), pediatrician, and urologist. Conversion When a Jewish family adopts, unless the child is born to a Jewish mother, Jewish law requires that the child be formally converted to Judaism through submersion in a mikvah (ritual bath). However, Reform Judaism does not require ritual submersion, and other branches of Judaism disagree on such matters as the timing and nature of conversion. To arrive at a decision, each family should consult with their rabbi. Some families choose to go to the mikvah when their child is an infant; others wait until the child is old enough to understand the ritual. Bar and Bat Mitzvah Jewish law requires the knowing consent of the person undergoing a conversion. A minor child may be converted, but the conversion is not binding until the child actively chooses to accept his or her Jewish status and responsibilities upon reaching maturity. This opportunity occurs at Bar or Bat Mitzvah. Susan M. Katz, an adoptive parent and national chapter coordinator for Stars of David, a support group for Jewish adoptive families, says, "For most children this is not terribly meaningful at age 13. That question about 'Who am I? Am I really Jewish? What does that mean to me?' doesn't happen until later, when the child reaches 18 to 20 years old. I think it is true for most Jews as they approach adulthood, but for the adoptee, there is an added layer to those questions." Some children do pose some questions at this turning point in their lives. A child may announce, "I don't want to be Jewish anymore." Parents can turn this challenge into an opportunity to discuss adoption with their child. One mother remembers that when her daughter, who was hesitant about becoming a Bat Mitzvah, saw how proud every was of her, this even allowed her to connect with "who she is and who we are." Adoptive families can find it very confusing to negotiate the complexities of Jewish law and custom about circumcision and conversion. Those who are not affiliated with a synagogue, or who do not know a rabbi personally, may feel bewildered. Consulting a social worker with experience in adoptions at a Jewish Family Service office can help families plan for these life cycle events, as well as understand and deal. with adoption issues as they arise. Special Issues for Jewish Families Who Adopt Cross-Culturally When Jewish parents adopt cross-culturally, a refrain their children will hear throughout their lives is: "But you don't look Jewish." Children born in Korea, India, or Latin American come from a predominant race and religion into a new environment in which both their acquired religion and their racial/national origin place them into distinctly minority categories. Jewish families who adopt cross culturally place a double minority status on their children, who become a minority-within-a-minority. Because of their differing appearance, these children will encounter in the dominant white, Christian culture around them, reactions ranging from ignorance to curiosity to prejudice. Some in the Jewish community, too, will express similar responses. Jewish adoptive families can act on their children's behalf by reminding others that Judaism is not a race. The Jewish family is an international one, comprised of people with a broad spectrum of ethnic backgrounds and physical appearances, from Eastern European to Ethiopian, as is readily apparent in Israel. Six-year-old Jessica summed it up when, after long though and many questions, she announced one day: "I get it! Bubby (Yiddish for Grandma) was Russia Jewish, you and Daddy are Chicago Jewish, and I'm Columbia Jewish." Indeed, international adoption is changing the face and perceptions of the American Jewish community. Religion can provide an opportunity to give children a sense of rootedness and stability. Some adoptive parents may feel fine about teaching their child about his or her native cultural heritage, but less comfortable presenting the religion into which the child was born. They may worry, for example, that learning about the multiple deities of Hinduism would confuse a child being raised in the monotheistic faith of his adoptive parents. Jewish adoptive parents are also aware that being a minority in the predominantly Christian culture around them may create dilemmas for their children. This has come up in conversations between Dr. Lucy Y. Steinitz, former Executive Director of Baltimore's Jewish Family Services, and her children, Elsita and Sergio, who were born in Guatemala. Elsita asked her mother, "Did my born-lady know that I was going to have to miss Christmas if I was adopted by you?" As members of a minority themselves, Jewish adoptive parents may have special understanding of what their children are experiencing. They also have added incentive for teaching their children to respect and appreciate cultural diversity, and for giving their children the message that elements of their birth cultures are enriching the daily lives of their adoptive families and friends. How best to do this is the central issue when parents come to make choices about their children's education. The importance of racial and cultural diversity plays a big part in the choice some parents make not to send their children to a Jewish day school, but rather to a well-integrated public school. One consequence is that the children may be among only a few Jewish students. So the challenge of also grounding them positively in a Jewish identity, with Jewish peers, becomes both harder and more important. One the other hand, parents who choose a Jewish day school feel this environment builds a positive Jewish identity. But they worry about the lack of opportunities to mix daily with children of different racial and religious backgrounds. Thus, depending on the decision they make, parents may balance which is lacking in their child's school environment by providing other avenues of experience for their kids, through their neighborhood, various enrichment activities, or supplementary Jewish education. Here are some practical suggestions for integrating your child's Jewish heritage with his or her birth heritage: · A naming ceremony can be a highly significant starting point for a Jewish adoptive family to celebrate their child's multifaceted identity. Many parents today are giving their children three names: an American name, one from the native country, and a Hebrew name, and are writing their own ceremonies (taking off from existing ones for biologic families) to incorporate elements of the child's various heritages. · Look for connections among part of your child's heritage, and emphasize them: Our son's arrival in 19986 happened to coincide with both New Year's Eve and Chanukah (the dates of the latter vary from year to year because Judaism follows a lunar calendar). Instead of observing his anniversary on December 31, we decided to celebrate in annually on Chanukah, the festival of lights-all the more fitting because Kiran, our son's Indian middle name, means "ray of light." Learn about the Jewish community in your child's birth country (if one exists). Collect books, music, and decorative articles from other countries. Customs from those cultures, especially those connected with holidays such as Chanukah and Passover, can be incorporated into your own family's traditions. · While pointing out similarities, also acknowledge the differences between Judaism and your child's birth culture. Avoid idealizing either culture, and be clear about your own beliefs without being dogmatic. Join Stars of David International. This is a grassroots, non-profit international information and support network for Jewish and interfaith adoptive families. (Stars of David is not an adoption agency.) Members of Stars of David include families who have adopted domestically and cross-culturally, families with children by birth as well as adoption, single parents, families with children with special needs, prospective parents, grandparents, Jews of all affiliations, and intermarried families. Founded in Massachusetts in 1984 by adoptive parent Phyllis Nissen and Rabbi Susan Abramson, Stars of David now has 700 families internationally. For a nominal fee, members receive a quarterly national newsletter and a membership list. Stars of David connects children with a network of friends who are both adopted and Jewish, and it offers parents the support of other families with common interests. Activities in the 23 local chapters, which in many cities are co-sponsored by the local Jewish Family Service, include family social get-togethers and Jewish holiday celebrations, as well as meetings for adults to discuss issues specific to Jewish adoptive families. If your city does not have a Stars of David chapter, the national organization has a kit to help you start one. Adolescence Identity issues are intensified during adolescence, says social worker Myra Hettleman, Director of Adoption Alliances at Jewish Family Services in Baltimore. Adolescents who were adopted need to discover how they are similar to and different from not one but two sets of parents. How much harder this task is when they know little or nothing about their birth parents. As adolescents adopted cross-culturally begin dating, issues of identity and peer acceptance raised by their cultural and religious backgrounds come into sharp focus. Questions Jewish adoptive parents ask during this period are: Can I accept my child's choices? What if she turns away from her Jewish identity at this time in her life, perhaps forever? Will my child's Jewishness be a focal point for his feelings of never quite fitting in, or will it serve as an anchor to help him navigate the storm of adolescence? Says Hettleman, "The strong the child's comfort and pride in his religious and cultural heritage, the better he will be able to develop a positive identity during this stage." Whatever the parents' religious orientation, they can best help their child be being sensitive, honest, and open to his or her identity struggles. One young adult adoptee reflects, "I look at my birth parents as a DNA influence, but my adoptive family and Judaism are the cultural influences." "Each child carries his own blessing into the world," says a beautiful Yiddish proverb. Our children struggle with the complexities of adoption. As parents, our tasks are to give our children a sense of rootedness in family identity and values, an appreciation of cultural and ethnic differences, and a strong feeling of being loved and valued for each aspect of their unique selves. Gail Josephon Lipsitz is Coordinator of Marketing and Community Relations at Jewish Family Services in Baltimore and author of Practical Parenting: A Jewish Perspective, KTAV Publishing House, 1997. She and her husband, Allan Lipsitz, are the parents of David who was born in India. This article has been copied with the express written permission of the author who has graciously agreed to make it available to all STARS OF DAVID members. It may not be further reproduced without her permission. Excerpts from this article were published in Adoptive Families Magazine, July-August, 1995.

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